As Long As Our Love Shall Last

We attended a lovely wedding not long ago where I heard some guests support the “no-fault, opt-out vow” that has been popular for quite awhile. The vow goes something like this: We’ll stay married “as long as our love shall last” or “as long as we mutually benefit one another” or “as long as we are growing spiritually”. My guess is that what all those phrases usually mean is “as long as it feels good”. Feelings are wonderful arbiters of the head, but in my opinion aren’t reliable enough to base life decisions on.

What about when marriage doesn’t feel good? Does that mean love is gone, spiritual growth has stopped, and we are no longer of mutual benefit? Consider what love is and what spiritual growth is and what mutual benefit is – and who the author of love and spiritual growth and mutual benefit is. I am firmly convinced it isn’t us. I suspect it is the utmost in arrogance and folly to believe we can fully understand the dynamics of love or recognize all aspects of spiritual growth or point out all mutual benefit, much less that we know when they have come, abide with us, and depart.

An analogy: in the winter, the grass appears to be dead. It is brown and dry and does not grow. However, underneath the soil where we cannot perceive it, the root system is alive and growing, using the energy that causes it to grow upward in the summer to push the root system outward in the winter. The growth only becomes apparent when the season turns. All of which is a long-winded way to say that we plant, hoe, water, and prune, but only God gives the growth. If we pull up the crop before harvest to check on it, we kill the plants we’ve worked so hard to establish.

The long-married enjoy seasons of growth and closeness, but they also endure seasons of seeming death: when love seems pallid, when passion and desire cool, when they don’t have much to say to each other and may not even like each other very much. But in those times of seeming death, who is to say that spiritual growth is not occurring? Like the grass, it may be spreading underground. Tolerance, respect, patience, endurance, empathy, compassion, and egoic death may be the fruit of a winter’s growth. Another fruit of binding commitment is trust. Often it is only when trust is long established and secure that healing and growth can take place.

“For better or for worse” accepts all seasons of life. Real love, the love that creates and heals, is the love that makes it safe to have bad days, bad weeks, bad decades. It creates a spiritual incubator in which eternal growth is nurtured. Sometimes love feels good. Sometimes it doesn’t. The way we feel doesn’t alter its essence, because love isn’t just a feeling. It’s also a decision and an attitude of trust and a very long series of actions. It’s the way we love our spouse back from their mistakes and the way they love us back from our own. It’s the way we love each other through mental and physical illness, financial disaster, and tragedy. Thankfully, it’s also the way we share joy.

It’s a wonderful feeling indeed to trust your partner’s decision to love you regardless of how they (or you) are feeling. If you let Him, God will carry you through the winters of your life together, enabling you to be faithful and true to your beloved while your love, spiritual connection, and mutual benefit continue to grow. Even when you can’t see or feel the growth.