It’s easier when things are simple. Black and white. Yes or
no. Up or down. Right?
When things are complicated, we have to take into
consideration conflicting viewpoints, competing and equally important needs,
and years of misinformation, misunderstanding, and mistakes. It feels like
untangling a wad of yarn, with knots, frazzled ends, breaks, and endless
frustration.
Nobody likes complicated.
Unfortunately, everything, every issue, is complicated.
Immigration. Funding for public services. Political objectives. National
security. Gun control. Abortion. Racism. Gender equality. Job opportunity. Marriage.
Civic engagement. National discourse.
It’s all complicated.
How can we start untangling the threads and move forward?
The first things to cultivate are patience and respect. Everything takes time
to understand. Everyone needs to weigh in. Everyone needs to listen to all the
opinions, even the ones we don’t like. Everyone needs to put themselves in the
shoes of their opponents, to look at things from their point of view.
It’s kind of like the art of mediation. The first thing a
mediator does is listen – really listen – to opposing sides. The second thing
the mediator does is check with those sides to see if he or she listened well,
and understands what is being said. The third thing the mediator does is take
what he or she heard and present it coherently to the other side. Without
emotion. Without arm-waving and shouting and posters. Here is what your
opponent thinks. Wants. Fears. Hopes. And then the process reverses itself, and
the mediator takes the thoughts, wants, fears, and hopes of the second side
back to the first.
Step by step, each side begins to hear the other. Step by
step, each side begins to understand the other. Step by step, both sides start
to come together over the things they have in common. They agree to disagree on
some things. They stop name calling. They stop using the words “they” and “them”
and start using the words “we” and “us.”
Let’s learn a lesson from the art of mediation. Let’s start
listening to our opponents. In the process let’s teach them how to listen to
us.
After all, in our national life, it’s not about “us and
them,” regardless of how that tactic has been used to sell newspapers, boost
ratings, and prop up careers. It’s about
“we and us.”
Every last one of us.
