It's complicated.

It’s easier when things are simple. Black and white. Yes or no. Up or down. Right?

When things are complicated, we have to take into consideration conflicting viewpoints, competing and equally important needs, and years of misinformation, misunderstanding, and mistakes. It feels like untangling a wad of yarn, with knots, frazzled ends, breaks, and endless frustration.

Nobody likes complicated.

Unfortunately, everything, every issue, is complicated. Immigration. Funding for public services. Political objectives. National security. Gun control. Abortion. Racism. Gender equality. Job opportunity. Marriage. Civic engagement. National discourse.

It’s all complicated.

How can we start untangling the threads and move forward? The first things to cultivate are patience and respect. Everything takes time to understand. Everyone needs to weigh in. Everyone needs to listen to all the opinions, even the ones we don’t like. Everyone needs to put themselves in the shoes of their opponents, to look at things from their point of view.

It’s kind of like the art of mediation. The first thing a mediator does is listen – really listen – to opposing sides. The second thing the mediator does is check with those sides to see if he or she listened well, and understands what is being said. The third thing the mediator does is take what he or she heard and present it coherently to the other side. Without emotion. Without arm-waving and shouting and posters. Here is what your opponent thinks. Wants. Fears. Hopes. And then the process reverses itself, and the mediator takes the thoughts, wants, fears, and hopes of the second side back to the first.

Step by step, each side begins to hear the other. Step by step, each side begins to understand the other. Step by step, both sides start to come together over the things they have in common. They agree to disagree on some things. They stop name calling. They stop using the words “they” and “them” and start using the words “we” and “us.”

Let’s learn a lesson from the art of mediation. Let’s start listening to our opponents. In the process let’s teach them how to listen to us.

After all, in our national life, it’s not about “us and them,” regardless of how that tactic has been used to sell newspapers, boost ratings, and prop up careers.  It’s about “we and us.”

Every last one of us.